you know how blanc keeps getting invited to things? I think for the third film I want blanc to be invited as his husband’s plus one to an event because his husband is actually much more famous than he is. so none of these people actually know who blanc is and people are like “oh when we said plus one we meant like your partner” and phillip constantly has to be like “this is my partner” and so forth and the people are just like either super awkward about it or like ignore what he said.
The partygoers constantly get blanc’s name wrong like calling him ‘benny’ or ‘bob’ or just like a horrible attempt at benoit but this is his husband’s event so blanc just bites his tongue and politely corrects them. because these are his husband’s coworkers and investors and so these are important people.
then suddenly someone dies and blanc begins to do his thing and someone is like “why is benjamin playing detective” and blanc is about to politely correct them but this is phillip’s like last straw and he’s like “for the last fucking time his name is benoit and he’s the fucking world’s greatest detective” and one of them is like “whoa phillip why are you going tooth and nail for this guy?” and he’s just like “HES MY FUCKING HUSBAND YOU ABSOLUTE CLOD”
and I want Helen and Marta there because I love them.
Love how tumblr has its own folk stories. Yeah the God of Arepo we’ve all heard the story and we all still cry about it. Yeah that one about the woman locked up for centuries finally getting free. That one about the witch who would marry anyone who could get her house key from her cat and it’s revealed she IS the cat after the narrator befriends the cat.
Might I add:
The defeat of the wizard who made people choose how they’d be to be executed
The woman who raised the changeling alongside her biological child
The human who died of radiation poisoning after repairing the spaceship
The adventures of a space roomba
Cinderella finding Araura (and falling in love)
I don’t know a snappy description but the my nemesis cynthia story certainly lives in my head
hilariously, these are almost all in my fic tag. so, a compiled list from the notes (and some extras):
a knives out prequel where benoit blanc is investigating a murder and hugh grant (aka phillip) is one of the suspects and he’s sort of nervous around blanc which leads blanc to be suspicious so he purposefully spends more time with phillip just to suss out his behavior but at the end it turns out phillip didn’t do anything he just liked blanc and was shy
here’s my pitch for one of the scenes near the climax of the movie
blanc, monologuing: … and it has not gone unnoticed, by the way - your frankly embarrassingly obvious attempts to endear me to you in order to cast suspicion off yourself! it has worked to a degree, i’ll grant you, but a successful ruse is still a ruse
philip, who really had not been doing anything of the sort: you… were endeared to me?
I demand a religion that 1) acknowledges the existence of a god/gods while 2) affirming that the divine purpose of humanity is to subdue the gods in massive chains and drag them down from the heavens like behemoths being pulled from the most cavernous depths of the darkest oceans to finally face imprisonment for their Crimes. where is that religion
how would you feel if you woke up tomorrow and find out exactly 100 of the world’s richest people died of heart attacks at exactly noon universal time. can you imagine the theories. light is absolutely a loser for not doing this
[ID: Reply from elumind that says: “Do the richest one every week and see next in line lose their shit and try to get rid of the money. I think of this almost daily.” /end ID.]
The notes on this are wild because people are legit passionately arguing about why this wouldn’t work. No one said it would work. They said he’s a loser for not doing it.
There has to be a *pattern* to it, though, to really get their attention. Like it has to be the same time of day, the same day, each week.
The first one stands up and draws a massive A on the nearest wall before dropping dead.
Exactly one week later, Thursday at 3:13 PM, the next one looks up, blank-faced, and uses a car key to scratch the word ‘CAMEL’ into the side of their car. There are memes.
The week after that, in the middle of an interview, the third victim turns to the camera and says ‘THROUGH.’ He drops dead.
The man who writes “EYE” is in a private underground bunker. Enough radiation shielding to survive a direct nuclear strike. There are fifteen guards posted at the door- surveillance confirms not one of them left their post.
By the time “NEEDLE” is scratched into the upholstery of a private yacht, people are starting to give money away.
Like most of us I’ve thought extensively on this since I first saw Death Note and came to the conclusion that the most likely reaction would be people creating more byzantine ways of keeping hold of their resources while not technically counting them as personal resources and not technically being so rich. With enough shell companies, fake charities, and resources stashed in secret or illegal places or the bank accounts of relatives, people could keep most of what they have while dropping right off any list of wealthiest people. The wealthy are often experts at this for tax fraud reasons. Light’s response, of course, would be to start taking these things into account, seeking out hackers and accountants and various other experts to keep track of the actual wealthiest, and the wealthy (many of whom would be willing to risk their lives to stay that way) would use the dying as a metric for what the mysterious killer was using to score wealth and try to find ever more secret methods of resource hoarding. An accountancy arms race would be underway.
I’m not saying it’s a bad idea. I’m saying it would make a fantastic Death Note rewrite. Instead of Light making stupid mistakes against L, he could actually put his genius to work in Death Note: The Accountancy Wars.
write down cause of death as ‘shit self on live television’ to make extra sure
Light wouldn’t necessarily need to seek anyone out. By the time ‘NEEDLE’ drops there’d be dozens, if not hundreds of lists of potential candidates floating around online. Megacorporations have CEOs. Village-sized estates have listed owners. And every mega-rich person trying to hide their wealth has MULTIPLE accountants who know what they’re doing, any one of whom could anonymously snitch on some message board just to a) watch the show, and b) sieze the opportunity to embezzle a small percentage of the hoarded goodies. We all know that thousands of hackers, activists, and nosy amateurs would be playing ‘pin the target on the rich douchebag’ purely on a volunteer basis.
I’ve never seen Death Note, but from what I’ve picked up, Light isn’t the kind of Morally Scrupulous person who’d actually care enough to run a background check, he’d just check out the latest SLAYER OF RICH MONSTERS HERE ARE YOUR NEXT TARGETS list and have fun with it.
There’d also be a sudden surge in people rushing onto stages or up behind rich people holding up signs giving their full name and net worth, which doesn’t *technically* count as soliciting a murder even if the rich person screams ‘ANTI-TRUST’ and explodes thirty seconds later.
